children | (Wo)Men Speak Out's Blog

When it comes to talking to children about abuse, it’s safe to say that most parents have a hard time starting the conversation. I’ve received emails from people who aren’t sure how to introduce the topic of private parts in general, let alone the topic of abuse and what that looks like. Admittedly, talking to your child about their body is a delicate task. However, without open and honest dialogue and clear definitions, we can’t expect children to protect themselves if these conversations have never taken place.

When talking to children about their bodies, I think it’s really important for parents to outline what they want to cover and terms that they will use to talk about body parts. Personally, I feel that body parts should be termed, as they would be at the doctor’s office. Cutesy terms, or “comfortable names” can sometimes cause confusion in children, as well as embarrassment about their bodies. Children needs to know the technical terms for their parts and that there is nothing dirty or shameful about them. In creating a safe and honest starting point, communication can become easier and gives children the respect they deserve regarding their bodies.

I was taught that private parts are considered that which is covered by a bathing suit or undergarments. Picturing this and explaining it will allow a clear picture for children. Any area that is not visible is private and is “off limits” to anyone else. Children should have a clear understanding that they have the right to voice their opinions and ask questions when it comes to their body. People such as healthcare providers who may need to assist during medical visits and exams, but children should still be able to voice any concerns they may have, just as you or I would.

Role-play and other games can be a good way to create scenarios with children that allow them to ask questions and think about things they may say in circumstances where they are uncomfortable. Additionally, the use of dolls with removable clothing can be a good tool for parents and caregivers to talk about body parts and inappropriate touching.

You don’t have to go it alone. Feel free to use literature and sites already in place as aids for discussion. You know your children better than anyone. Some children respond better to dialogue and others are more visual learners. Figure out what works best for the both of you.

Remember to relax. Children are like sponges and will often react to your reactions. If you are nervous or uncomfortable, they will see that and find it more difficult to ask questions. Take your time and leave the topic open for discussion down the line. Casual check-ins can also be helpful as they allow for further discussion and more practice for you. You never know what additional topics may come up, simply because you created a safe place for them.

Lastly, talk to other parents and see if they are talking to their kids. You may find that you are not alone in your fears and anxiety surrounding the topic. By talking with others, you may learn other fun ways to talk to your kids or help others to do the same.

Remember, we are all responsible for creating a safe community. Thanks for doing your part.

The overwhelming majority of children are abused by a family member or family friend. More often than not the abuser is a parent, step-parent, or guardian. I think that’s a reality we haven’t quite come to terms with. I know we didn’t when I was growing up.

Probably the only education I ever received as a child about the danger of abuse was a 30 minute session in a 5th grade class once. I remember that it was taught by my English teacher. I could tell how uncomfortable and awkward she felt in front of the class, trying to talk about what to say if a stranger came up to us and asked us to follow ‘him’ down an alley. I was taught to say no, but I wasn’t quite sure why I was saying no. Just that it was important that I did say no. There was no context, just that this fictitious ‘bad guy’ wasn’t to be followed. I thought of some of the supervillains I read about in comic books. On the off chance that Dr. Doom showed up on my afternoon walk home from school I knew what to say.

Education hasn’t improved much since that day in grade school. We are still uncomfortably limping into inadequate conversations with our children about what to do, when, and who. Except we are so leery about the ‘who’ part because the ‘who’ may be attending PTA meetings, may be more close to us than we would like to think.

Educating our children about how to speak up for themselves is not an always popular proposition to a parent. Parents want obedient children, and it’s those same obedient children who are most vulnerable. If there is anything that is most obvious in looking at the statistics it is that children aren’t using their voices.

There are arguments that children shouldn’t know about abuse. They are too young to be exposed. Yet we already know that millions of children are already being physically and sexually abused right now. I guess the above philosophy has, in a sense, already written off those children as damaged goods.

Parents aren’t comfortable with the idea of their children telling them no, in any case. That is precisely what education provides for them, the option to say no. An option to defend themselves. This rarely comes up consciously in my discussions with parents, but it always rears it’s ugly head in the periphery. The argument against abuse education that never quite makes itself known. This is why our parents should be educated as well.

Our expressed priority is to protect our children. But there is a catch to this. We don’t want to protect them from us.

So we still ask ourselves why our children are so vulnerable. We wonder why there are millions of victims of abuse out there. It’s because the children don’t know. Organizations, like (Wo)Men Speak Out, exist to educate our men, women, boys, and girls about abuse. Boys and girls are the most vulnerable demographic to the scourge of abuse. Are they too young to know about abuse? Millions learn one way or the other. Sadly, it seems that, for most, the most harmful way is ruling out over the other.

This may make you wonder what your school is doing to educate their students. You may even ask yourself what you are doing to educate your children. It’s worth an inquiry. Talk to your kids. Check in with your school. It’s worth a call. It’s worth raising your hand at the PTA meeting and starting a discussion.

If you believe your children are ready to be given the tools that may save their life one day, then bring an organization in that knows how to talk to the kids. Not the awkward English teacher I had way back when.

Abusers rarely look like Dr. Doom. Yet, that may be all the protection we are providing our children.

DrDoom